In Defense of Onions 

By Wildebeast

Yesterday I went to the supermarket and bought a cart full of red onions.  I blended a large red onion and drank the solution, it tasted exactly of whisky and brought an immediately feeling of masculinity.  I literally felt the juice moving through my body while it was embracing and enhancing my organs.  Yes, my mouth smelt of onions but this is easily reparable with proper oral care. 

These days it seems that the divide between parties can manifest in many different ways.  4Chan friends are quick to point out the unpatriotic stance held by soy milk afficiantos.  There appears to be a strong correlation between male liberals exposing unpatriotic positions, some of which appeal to the murder of conservatives, and their public appeals on social media on behalf of soy products.  Many of these men who appeal for the destruction of their nation and countrymen have noticeably frailer features.  The term “soy boy” is meant to demean the negative afflictions to their constitution which comes from soy milk.  Meanwhile, many liberal news outlets with little incentive for more intrinsic journalism rail against the consumption of onions.  Why are conservatives so wrong in trying to improve themselves while liberals are given a free pass in drinking what is literally toxic to their masculinity.

Let’s examine the facts.


Recently, the FDA stripped soy milk of its status as “heart healthy.”  This health claim was my main consideration regarding my consumption of soy milk as heart disease is a real problem for many Americans and many others in Western civilization.

One YouTube star – black, weight-lifting dude on Louder With Crowder – indicated that women undergoing menopause consume soy as a form of therapy to enhance femininity.  There are numerous examples of children being forced to consume large amounts of soy to feminize their gender.


Onions are a natural source of antioxidants and dietary fiber.  There is also a strong reduction in cancer afflictions in men who consume onions.  Some outlets complain that there is no correlation between testosterone and onions but this is not true.  There is a well known connection between onions and testosterone according to a (Egyptian?) test with lab rats.  There is a strong correlation between trials conducted with rats and trials with humans.  They claim that any increase in consumption of onions would be a stupid, empty appeal to better health and potentially dangerous.  However; in many European countries they already consume close to an onion everyday alongside other food groups.  The texture and aroma of an onion is a great compliment to deli meats, salads, and vegetables.

All being said and done, I’ve given up on soy products and promised myself to continue to eat at least one raw onion a week.